As a country, we were far more caught up in the delight of Uncle Cortie and Aunt Crashie's Embarrassingly Rushed Adventure, which did not include any bridges, to nowhere or otherwise. In the forty-eight mainland states of the United Contiguous States of America, the original Crash Bandicoot was really old news. Not everyone was in love with the concept of the Bridgey Road to Nowhere, however. When the inbred, meth-addled citizens of Ketchikan, Alaska wanted to see a bridge built to some gay-ass island, Sarah-Larah-Paling-Palong grinned a big, lipstick-stained, toothy grin: she had found her opportunity to construct a bridgey road to, quite literally, nowhere! In fact, one of the major Mystery Blue flavoured planks of her successful 2006 gubernatorial campaign was the construction of this delightful bridge, which Alaskan voters, also enamoured with the delightful Crash Bandicoot video electronic game, were apparently quite enthusiastic about! Quite literally everybody loved the concept of the Bridgey Road to Nowhere. From this point on, her political purpose in the sucktastic state of Alaska was clear: she wanted to build an exact replica to enjoy in her home state.
But, even moreso, she simply appreciated the general concept as a whole. Unlike her future political opponent, fan-least-favourite Presidential candidate Barack Obama, she greatly appreciated how Naughty Dog did not try to pretty up the pigs in this stage with lipstick. When her then-fifteen-year-old son, Track, brought the "new" game home for the first time, her life was forever changed, forever. Despite its lateness, it would have an amazing affect on the political career of the only good Alaskan: Sarah Louise Palin. And there's so much snow and ice and visible breath there, that it is almost impossible to navigate, ever! So it should come as no surprise that Alaska didn't even receive the very first Crash Bandicoot game, Crash Bandicoot, until the year 2004. Seriously, only 700,000 people live in the biggest state in the Union. Over 660,000 square miles, of pure nothingness. And then there's motherfucking Alaska.Īlaska is massive.
#Crash bandicoot road to nowhere plus#
I'm not quite so fond of Hawaii, which I'm fairly certain is exactly like Japan, minus tentacle rape, plus pineapples, the worst fruit in existence. Alabama, Arizona, Arkansas, Colorado, California, Connecticut, Delaware, Florida, Georgia, Idaho, Illinois, Indiana, Iowa, Kansas, Kentucky, Louisiana, Maine, Maryland, Massachusetts, Michigan, Minnesota, Mississippi, Missouri, Montana, Nebraska, Nevada, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New Mexico, New York, North Carolina, North Dakota, Ohio, Oklahoma, Oregon, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, South Carolina, South Dakota, Tennessee, Texas, Utah, Vermont, Virginia, Washington, West Virginia, Wisconsin, and Wyoming are, contiguously, quite literally the bee's knees. It's so nonsensical, you really can't blame her son for ending up all retardy.įorty-eight out of America's fifty states are pretty awesome. Bandicoot and the Candidate: Crashiekins Changes Politics Forever and Ever! įormer Governor of Alaska Sarah Palin, who prides herself on brutally murdering newborn moosies in exactly the same way as she does not want anyone to brutally murder unborn babies.
#Crash bandicoot road to nowhere cracked#
If Crizzash the Bizzandicoot hopes to survive this road and successfully make it to nowhere, he will have to sharpen both his eyes and his mind, to learn to make split-second decisions and differentiate between planks in assorted states of disrepair on the fly - some are still sturdy, but then there are the majorly cracked planks, almost non-existent planks, completely non-existent planks, and - for a limited time only - planks in new Mystery Blue flavour!!! Oh, and he'll also have to watch out for Vibrating Wooden Turtles and Professional Wartie Impersonators. Bandicoot makes the interesting discovery that, like literally everything else he did, Emperor Wuu's highway system is also hilariously terrible, consisting for some reason of nothing more than precarious shoddily constructed rope bridges miles above the ground! (According to some professional social studiers, this might be because of all the cannabis.) Crashie is finally able to put the creatively named New Nativitanian metropolis of Nativopolis behind him! Out in the countryside, Mr.
Road to Nowhere is the twelfth level of Crash Bandicoot.
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